First off, I just wanted to say I am blessed with some of the most loyal friends a human could ever have in life (perhaps a monkey could have better friends). With that out of the way, I wanted to write about really makes me tick. I think of myself as a pretty complicated dude but I know to people that have known me all my life, I am super predictable. People can tell when I'm upset or when I'm thinking about something or when something is bothering me. I am in fact rather simple. This is much more heartfelt than most of my posts so sorry to weird you out. I had a lot of revelations this last weekend and it sucks sometimes that it takes bad things or dumb actions to make them come about but I guess that's life. My whole life I've basically been motivated by very few things. My main motivation is definitely respect. I've always put all of me into trying to get everyone around me to respect what I stand for and the actions I take everyday. My other motivation (which is much more sobconscious) has been to be very social because my biggest fear is being alone. Maybe not in the traditional sense but I really hate when you're in a big group of people and feel alone. That's the worst. With these two ideals really at the heart of what I am, I realized recently that I haven't been true to myself. With this blog, with some conversations I've had with people, with relationships I have..... I've been fronting for far too long now. Listen... I'm a very confident person. I'm confident about things that I have control over. I think that's why I love public speaking so much. When I'm in front of a room of people, I am in control of content and things seriously slow down in my head to a comfortable speed. I see things much more clearly when I'm standing in front of a room. I love sports because you can work and work and become as skilled as you want in them. Progress in is tangible... it's real. It's the unpredictable... it's the unexpected and the abstract things in life that are really messing with me now. In my goal to be respected, I've focused so hard on being on point and being a smooth individual. I guess subconsciously I thought being human and emotional was a sign of not being confident. Here's the thing.. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of sooo many things and I don't want to pretend anymore that I'm not.
I'm afraid that something will happen to my family when I move especially my grandma. I'm afraid that my expectations for myself can never be reached. I'm afraid of letting down all the people I grew up with in San Ramon. I'm afraid that my relationships in California will change for the worse once I move. I'm afraid of realizing that things I've dreamed of are in fact impossible. I'm afraid that I won't like my new job and city. I'm afraid that I've ruined a friendship that's really special to me. I'm afraid that I procrastinate too much and act too lazy at times. I'm afraid of success and I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid that Stanford will never be good at basketball again and I'm afraid that hate will always exist. Basically I'm proud to say I'm afraid. I'm proud to say I'm human. I'm been holding back on feeling for far too long now and I feel more human than I have in a long time.
I'm not sure why all of these thoughts finally broke through and I'm not sure why it took me basically acting stupid towards someone I care so much about but it did. Life is funny that way. It's unpredictable and it's relentless in that you can't take back your actions. But it's also brilliant and things seem to have a way of working out when you do the right thing and treat people around you well. I might be afraid but you know what, I'm finally ready. The next chapter is about to start and I'm ready to take on life and ready to take on the next challenge. I just hope that all the people I love and all the people that have made me who I am are there to see when I do.