Farmer V

I have no voice. I lost it sometime in the morning on Saturday. It could have been caused by the repeated trips to a new hookah lounge near my house the last month, the insanity that was the Stanford Reunion of sorts Friday night or the diet of Rockstar Energy drinks and Smirnoff the entire day on Saturday. It's been so strange to not be able to express myself because basically the last five years I have made a living by talking. Anyway since I can't really talk too much (or unfortunately belt out songs while I'm driving either), I've been forced to retreat into my head much more than normal. It's been quite interesting actually but in the end a few frustrating revelations have come about:

I'm stressed, maybe even troubled about this whole moving situation. I've never left the Bay. I've never been more than an hour from The Familia. The fact that I'm moving to Chicago in a few months is seriously weighing heavy on me. Don't get me wrong here. I am extremely excited and happy about moving. In a lot of ways though, it's just hard for me to grasp. When confronted with major change I tend to get overwhelmed. I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life (my family and friends) and how those relationships are going to profoundly change once I move. I wasn't thinking about all these deep things at all until sometime late into Saturday night. Not sure why my mind all of a sudden became so frazzled but let me tell you, it came at the tail-end of what can only be described as a Top 5 Weekend of All-Time.

Let me break down the festivities for you in 5 or less sentences! On Friday, the Oakland A's won their series against the Twins, I went to Happy Hour with Rones and Ritz in the city, then went to Singhma Coots birthday party, which ended up being more of a college reunion. Opened my eyes around 8 AM Saturday morning, partook in an early morning delirious laughter session, ate delicious MEXICAN taqueria food for breakfast, and rolled down to the Marina. The NAVY was in town for their annual airshow. We arrived a couple hours early, watched Stanford football at a bar, drank FREE Rockstar and Smirnoff all day and if that wasn't enough we snuck into a roof party for the actual airshow. Mafternoon peaked as I sipped tasty beverages on a roof overlooking the Bay, with Blue Angels screaming directly overhead, a DJ (that actually played my resquests) and ladies and gentlemen, a huge TV with the Tigers/Yankess game on it. Seriously it was one of the most euphoric situations I've ever been in. My buddy leaned over and said, "Vaman it can only go downhill from here for us." That night I saw just about everyone I lived with in college for some classic Karaoke and Bobbito's birthday party. I just sat at karaoke and felt so blessed for all the things in my life.

Sometime between the end of the night and going to sleep, my mind began an intense marination session, which has yet to stop. Maybe it was that I realized that I won't be around all these people I love so much anymore. Maybe it was because I had soo much fun that I was just having fun withdrawal. Whatever it was, it left me with a feeling of want. A feeling of wanting order again. Why can't we just relish in the things that we do have? I'm so focused on what's to come that I've lost sight of enjoying the things I do have before I leave. It reminds me of a quotation that I often marinate on.

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; The wise grows it under his feet."

I'm doing a little bit better with staying focused on enjoying life in the Bay Area before I leave. The mind is still all over the place and it's still thinking a lot about uncertain things. Argh. I really believe that cultivating and growing the things around you can get you where you need to get. Did that even make sense?

Anyway, here's a video that made me feel bad about my dilemna. This video really blew my mind and made me feel thankful.

My last year in college, I finally sacked up and decided to deliver a spoken word piece at our annual poetry slam. I'm including it below because looking at it reminds me who I am and where I come from. It sounds a lot different when recited but hopefully it gives you some insight into me.

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I'm the guy that's asleep on the couch when you come down for lunch because
I'm the guy that spent the entire night talking to Jimi, Dee and Dev about life.
I'm the guy that feels comfortable speaking in front of thousands of strange people but
I'm also the guy that has trouble finding the right words in front of that special girl I have my eyes on.
I'm the guy that still visits his high school because he's afraid of forgetting his past.
I'm a guy who has many things to teach but much more to learn.

I learned about religion from Chuck and Nathan, who are steadfast in their faith but also open-minded.
I learned about attitude from Kurt, who is positive and optimistic no matter what cards life deals him.
I learned that I like sweet girls from SB, who was motivation enough for me to run long distances in high school.
I learned to be the professional dancer that I am today from my sisters, who always forced me to dance at family parties.
I learned not to take life for granted from my grandma, who cries on my birthday because she's afraid that it might be the last one she will see.
I learned to value people again from my cousins in India, who have nothing but each other, which is really all they need.

I believe that having a positive attitude can really change everyday of your life and
I believe that we're all not completely honest with ourselves and
I believe small acts can have a profound impact on the people around us and
I believe the world would be a much better place if people were more empathetic towards one another and
I believe our generation not only has an opportunity but an obligation to bring about positive change to the World.

Who are the people that have made you who you are?
What have you learned?
What do you believe?
I know that it's people like you who have made me the man I am today.... a Vaman to be exact.