The Embrace

Do you ever just close your eyes and just fade into your own space? A place that's dark and empty but unlike other things that share the same characteristics, this place is comforting. This morning as I walked outside, I closed my eyes, let the gentle snow/water droplets surround my face. A smile kind of cracked on my face and in this darkness I continued walking, toward a now seemingly forgotten destination. Why does that feel so good? Is it because I'm the only one that can be there? Is it because I am entirely myself in that space? The ultimate home for the self?

Then I could see the grass and the concrete all around me. David and I went to the playground so much we still joke about how no humans have taken as many steps on that basketball court as us. Of course no one is at the park on these days. It's raining something heavy and we're laughing at the splashing water of every dribble and undoubtedly this day would end with us lying down on the court and instead of cursing the rain like everyone else, we would embrace it. It was always a rush being the only crazy people out there in the rain. On a few rainy days where Dave couldn't come out, I would still go by myself. The ultimate in loneliness right? Out on an abandoned playground in the pouring rain. It's funny but on those days I felt the most comfortable almost as thought I was not alone. That the world around me was alive. I used to lay down on this concrete ridge near the tire swing. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath and get this feeling that very few things still give me. It put me somewhere. Everyone was inside hiding from the rain. They were scared to come out in the cold. They didn't want to get wet. I was outside basically as one with the rain as someone can get. Now did I feel close to nature or something? I don't know about that but nothing to get to me there. I was alone but at the same time felt like everyone was with me. No distractions, no complications, no worries. It was the rain and me.

How come it's so hard to find those moments as we get older? Do we get so caught up on our jobs and our responsibilities? To be honest, since I've moved out here I've been kind of stressed. It's hard going back to work and realizing that every morning you have to perform. It's stressful to think about bills and maintaining your own place. Guess what I told myself? Get over it. Life is responsibility. Everyday is going to bring some sort of challenge so you can either stress about it all night and be anxious for tomorrow or embrace the few moments you get to yourself.

Most of the people that read my blog are on the younger side I think. Time is only speeding up. I've already been in Chicago for two months. People keep telling me that it seems like I'm really embracing my time here. Am I? I am trying but I need to try harder. In TWO MONTHS I still haven't: walked to Wrigley Field, gone on a run in the snow, gone on a date, worked out enough, finished decorating my place, etc. etc. What do you still need to do? Anything you're being lazy about?

I guess what I'm saying here is at the least is, how do we better enjoy the moments between the sucky-ness? And ideally how do we change our attitude to get through the sucky-ness with our heads high so we can get to the embrace that much faster.

As I look outside the cafe windows, it's still snowing a lot outside. Now maybe it's because I'm still new to the cold. Maybe it's because I don't have to be outside very much today. It's going to rain again. It's going to snow again. You're going to be stuck in the cold or the hot or whatever. You can either fight it and defend yourself against it or you can embrace it as best you can. I have no idea what people reading my blog thing about my posts. I'm not trying to be a overly naive idealist. I'm trying to adjust my attitude to make everyday as productive and positive as possible. I fail miserably most days but the days I make it happen are incredibly sweet and on my walk home today I am definitely going to close my eyes, fade into that comforting darkness, and for that moment embrace that around us which we can't change. Am I the only one?