And do not blame earth
For your loneliness.
You are traveling the ways of loneliness
Because your mind has not tried to conquer
The darkness of frustration-frown.
Lately I've been in some kind of funk. How does one rid of a funk? Well baseball players take extra batting practice and politicians probably practice their speeches just a little more and famous people date other famous people. Well my immediate reaction has been to branch out. To go out as much as possible and surround myself with new things, experience new things. But I've been missing one important thing... myself.
The three months or so since I've been in Chicago, I think there have been visitors in town every weekend except two or three (not that I'm that cool, lots of them have been in town for conferences and the such – not to see me). So most Mondays have been filled with some sort of human withdrawal and then coming home to an empty apartment doesn't help that situation. So I've focused a lot on redefining myself. I've gotten into fashion a lot more (changing my kick's laces to match my shirt color and plaid shirts cuffed over a long sleeve sweater... LOOK OUT!) and I've gone out by myself quite a few times, which is something I never thought I would do. So that's all been great but none that have given me the feeling I'm looking for.... what's this feeling you ask? Well I've gotten “the feeling” a few choice times since I've been out here. The other day when I was playing tennis with Ritz I got it. I was freewheelin', talking trash, and diving all over the court. I got the feeling when I had people over for dinner and we stayed in for the night and just chatted and I get the feeling every time I cook. It's all the times I felt like myself.
Living in the place my entire life, I think I really became dependent on other people making me feel like myself, like food for my soul. Part of the reason I wanted to move was that I felt stagnant. I didn't feel dynamic or evolvable (see I just made up that word) anymore. In that sense the move has been incredible but somewhere along the way I got ahead of myself. I think we spend so much time focusing on the gigantic world around us that we forget the feeling we get from looking inward.
It's definitely still strange to spend so much of my time alone and to spend so much time thinking but honestly I think the funk has been the result of me fighting myself. The other Sunday I walked out my front door and onto the street. At that moment I realized that I could do anything I wanted. I could swim in the lake if I wanted to or go buy an ice cream or drink at a bar. I was super overwhelmed. Then I let that idea marinate in my head for a while and the overwhelming-ness (another made up word) turned into a feeling of empowerment. I'm in a situation that few people find themselves in and that's crazy exciting. So instead of being overwhelmed by the world around me, I'm going to take a deep breath, shake out my hands and turn to the one thing that I almost forgot about but has been with my since the beginning... myself.
2 comments:
yay! i am glad that you are going to focus more time on enjoying yourself. i think it's okay to be overwhelmed... but probably better to be overwhelmed AND enjoying it!
good luck with finding that feeling more and more :)
haha crazy that's sort of what i talked about in my last entry too (in a different context). But yeah I think it's a common misconception that we get me-time if we're alone. NOT true. Even though I've been fairly MIA in the social scene, I still can't say I've had that me-time. I think it's something we have to consciously do.
easy squeezy lemon peezy!
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